When I stand on the stage at castle or any theatre at that matter I stand in pitch blackness and then a heated blinding light will beam down on me and my brain will morph into a character thats not me and I will have no real troubles for that short amount of time. For that short amount of time I don't have to worry about the stress of schoolwork problems with friends because on that stage I'm not myself.
Before and after shows we often hang out in a room with peeling bright green paint with messages from previous shows like "Kyle was Here" or " 13 cast rocks" written onto the walls with different colored sharpies. In that room you can hear the cheerful laughing and everyone is willing to help everyone because we are all a team and if one man goes through a trouble we all do.
In a nutshell that is why everything about the theatre is my perfect Querencia.
Before and after shows we often hang out in a room with peeling bright green paint with messages from previous shows like "Kyle was Here" or " 13 cast rocks" written onto the walls with different colored sharpies. In that room you can hear the cheerful laughing and everyone is willing to help everyone because we are all a team and if one man goes through a trouble we all do.
In a nutshell that is why everything about the theatre is my perfect Querencia.
Hey Chad Masuda this is Mikayla Domingo at first glance your essay seems under done but you clearly described what you wanted to say and it was condensed and vivid since I could clearly see what you were talking about like in the second paragraph about the heated blinding light beaming down on you and the writings on the wall and how you gave examples on what people write like "Kyle was Here." Also I like how you show instead of tell like instead of saying it is hot you say the heated blinding lights. Your introduction is also very well written and it really pulls the reader in by saying how you feel about the theater and I really made me want to read more. I also like on how how you are specific on which stage you like and is your special place but you could say why is it that, that specific theater is your special place or is it just that any theater is your special place, thats the part I kind of got confused. Maybe you could write about how you feel at the moment on the stage or what is going through your mind while on stage or even a special memory you had that made it your special place to give your essay a little bit more meaning. You could also maybe put in a line you had to say at the end of the second paragraph to end it and show how you morph into a different character. Also you could even say how the theater has helped you or has taught you lessons making it your special place or even put in reviews from plays that helped you to again show why it is your special place instead of telling us the theater is my special place. Also you need to work on your conclusion it kind of just ends and it is weak, maybe link it back to your introduction. Lastly watch out on your punctation errors like you put "no one will think I,m weirdo on crack" but I think it is no will think I'm a weirdo on crack. Other than that you did a really good job and I enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDelete-Mikayla Domingo
Hey chad, I think it would be great if you explained more about your querencia. Add more vivid & specific details about how you feel about going on stage & the vibe of your surroundings. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading your draft.
ReplyDelete-Sziezel Pascua
Hi Chad,
ReplyDeleteI agree with a lot of what Mikayla said in her commentary. Sziezel--you need to do a much more thorough job on your commentary.
Back to my comments on the essay. The details about the green room and about the stage and the lights are great. As Mikayla mentions, though, you need to include more detail about your specific experiences there. Specific dialogue, specific characters, and, especially, specific experiences that have contributed to your sense of self.
You've got a good start on this but develop it further for your final draft.
Let me know if you have questions.
mrs s